Somewhere in the middle...

of the pregnancy. :-) So I will share some thoughts...

This pregnancy has been the most fun so far, even with all the sick, yuckie feelings at the beginning. Every woman is a different person each time she becomes pregnant, right?! We are always in a constant state of growth. This time I feel confident, sexy and very relaxed about who I am. I'm loving the skin that I'm in, and it hasn't always been that way. SUCH a different experience. I've bonded with this baby much earlier than I did with the other babies and I think that's mostly because it's taken me a really LONG (over a decade and 6 kids later!) to feel o.k. with showing excitement on the outside. Sounds weird, huh? I've always watched preggie women over the years acting all overjoyed like it was o.k. and I never felt that way. I always kept my excitement a secret to myself, which is probably a reason why most people assume we are still "accidentally" getting pregnant LOL, that and maybe because some people are scared of more than 2 kids. But it's really lonely keeping happiness bottled up. And it certainly takes away from the experience. I don't like people watching me (funny that I keep a blog, huh?). I've been this way since childhood. I was always very sensitive and very easily embarrassed... and now, I don't really care so much what other people think. This time it's all about enjoying each and every precious moment with the baby, and sharing them all with Ivan and the children. Their excitement about this baby keep me feeling safe and relaxed. I don't even mind when the children tell me I'm getting a "fat belly" which has become a daily occurrence! Usually I'll just pull up my shirt and give them a little belly dance which always produces a good dose of the chuckles here.

Pregnancy is having your sexual/sensual nature multiplied by a gazillion. Your hormones are sky rocketing and blood travels so abundantly to all the right places ;-) But we aren't taught to embrace that in our society are we? We are always shown a very different side of pregnancy in our culture (I'm thinking t.v. shows showing the tired, cranky, frumpy preggie lady who can't walk properly, the granny undies and unattractive nursing bras) and for some reason women are all too happy to reproduce what is expected of them, right up to the climactic life threatening birth story where their hero (the doctor, not their hubby) saved the day! You know the other day someone told me I shouldn't be wearing high heels because I'm pregnant? Hold the phone lady, I'm not ready to start buying Dr. Scholls just yet!!! I find it so weird how we come up with the do's and don'ts of pregnancy. This woman has no idea that I am more comfortable in heels than I am in flats and that I can most likely out run her in my stilleto's (I had lots of practice catching the Staten Island Ferry when I worked on Wall Street and refused to wear a nice suit with athletic sneakers on my way to and from work, yes, even when pregnant!) Why do people seem to be so afraid/repulsed by pregnancy and sexuality? I just thank God that my darling husband finds me so attractive when pregnant that I have to spend half the day pushing him away cause someone needs to be supervising the children!

I wonder what would happen if women weren't shown such a deceptive image as if it were "the way". What if the standard was to fully appreciate the bumps and curves of the pregnant form? That her husband was free to explore and enjoy all of the changes taking place in her body from her swollen breasts to her rounded back side, making her feel even more sexy and radiant! What if she understood how the cocktail of love hormones released in labor are meant to be felt and when we use drugs to silence them we also silence that which bonds mother and baby. That she can take full advantage of the fact that her body wants to respond to the tender touch of her hubby... and that a long, deep kiss in a familiar and safe environment can be a very effective and enjoyable way to bring her baby into the world? What if she knew how much power her thoughts, beliefs and ideas about birth will contribute to her experience? Imagine if she trusted her body and it's ability to give birth! What an outrageous concept in a fear based society huh?!

While I have an incredible amount of patience this pregnancy, I also look forward with great anticipation to spring time when it's my turn to engage in the sacred birth dance :-)