What is it....

about missing my mother when I'm pregnant?! Each and every pregnancy seemed to have it's moment or moments where I get overcome with grief and sadness that my mother isn't with me. Even when I lived close enough to visit I would sit at home all big bellied and cry, mourning her absence even though she was only a bus ride away! She isn't anymore of course, we're in different countries now and living worlds apart. It seems to strange the way it hits me all of a sudden, you know. It's like a wave of sad just comes over me and if I even think of her my throat tightens up painfully and the tears try to force themselves out (or I'm trying to force them to stay in, one or the other). What a weird follow up post to the last one I just wrote when I was on cloud 9, huh?

I honestly wonder if this is one of the reasons many women seek out a midwife. It makes sense to me that this tugg on the heart for maternal affection could cause someone to seek out a substitute mother during such a vulnerable time in ones life. What a mistake it is to think that anyone could fill a gaping hole in your heart that only your mother could fill.

Sometimes I just wish I could go back to being a little girl and crawl up next to my mother and play with her hair again. I wish I could go back to all those times I was trying to run away from her and instead take advantage of the small window of opportunity I had to be with her. Who could've known that season would end so prematurely?... and then nothing... no phone calls, no emails, no visits, nothing.

I think I would die inside if any of my children grow up and feel the way I do.

I feel so selfish to even have these feelings. I know she has a life of her own and things that are troubling and greiving her as well. I'm not the center of the universe, but I guess the little girl inside of me wishes I was, at least in my mothers world.